Open Letter to my DVD Player

Dear Panasonic MT-500X432WQ

You and I have had some good times together. Remember that time I was sick for a week and you played the first five seasons of LOST for me? That was a great time. Remember all the pornography? Remember that time where I ate half a bag of mushrooms and I played the “Yo Gabba Gabba” DVD 342 times consecutively? Or that other time when I watched "The Notebook" and cried like a 10 year old girl with a skinned knee and you didn't laugh at me? Good times, right?

I’m writing this because I care, but you have to know that I’ve reached the end of the line with you. When I hit the “Menu” button on my remote, I want to see the menu. Expeditiously; with no delay and immediately. I do not want to be told “You cannot do that at this time.” Ever. One time you just put up the little “not” symbol with the red circle and the diagonal line running through it. Not cool, man. Don’t tell me what I can and cannot do with my own movies and TV shows. If I want to see the menu, or skip a chapter, or whatever the hell else I want to do, then you do it when I say so. You work for me, don’t forget that. I brought you into this house and I can send you out of this house just as quickly.

You and I both know that there is no earthly reason why the menu can’t be shown while the DVD is currently vomiting its way through a preview for Alvin and the Chipmunks 2: The squeakuel. I mean, are you serious right now? Having you tell me that I “cannot do that at this time” is infuriating to the point of madness. I don’t want to see a trailer for “It’s Complicated” starring “two actors going through the motions for an enormous paycheck.” If only someone had told them “you cannot do this at this time” when they were reading the script for that shitpile. Sorry, I’m getting sidetracked.

I might even let it slide if you provided a good reason for your insolence:

“You cannot do that at this time because I’m constipated and I don’t want to.”

“You cannot do that at this time because the electricity just ain’t flowin like it used to.”

“You cannot do that at this time because I’m hungover.”

“You cannot do that at this time because you hurt my feelings that one time where you yelled at me.”

“You cannot do that at this time because one time you paused me for 3 hours while you banged that chick from the Quick Check and I got really tired and hot from all the extra spinning and stuff.”

Here is the bottom line: respond to my commands promptly when they are issued, and you and I will be cool again. Start playing games with all your little messages and “not” signs, and you and I will have a major problem, friend. Don’t test me.

Signed,
The person who bought you and gave you life