Monday, May 3, 2010

50 percent of marriages end in Jelly Beans

I know we all have read and heard the famous statistic that is thrown around often by people afraid to get married or recently divorced people, or angry people, or constipated people, or people who just comically fell on a cactus and make a bug-eyed cartoon face and say ‘Yowwwwwww’.

“You know, fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce! So, I don’t know why anyone does it. I mean, really. Fifty percent. That’s like half. Of all marriages. 50 percent!”

I know, we get it. What I don’t understand is, nobody ever talks about the other fifty percent. The winners. The ones who made it, baby. The ones who got it all figured out.

The ones who eat a rainbow from both sides and meet in the middle with a playfully shy kiss like Lady and the Tramp with a spaghetti noodle.

The ones who have sex ten times a week. “Wait a minute, there are only seven days in a week!” says the doubting Thomas. “Exactly”, says the oversexed husband, with a wink.

The ones who hug each other so tight that they merge into each other and become "Super-Spouse 2000” who can shoot pre-nuptial agreements from 2000 yards away with their laser eyesight and stomp out adultery with their iron robot boots.

The ones who high five each other each morning, and violently make love each night, followed by yet another high five (with their hands).

The ones who are constantly captured in photographs with their mouths open and eyes squeezed shut in hysterical laughter while pointing their faces heavenward.

The ones whose Facebook statuses always say “Just got back from two weeks in Cabo with the Hubby (Wifey). We laughed literally every minute of every day. The weather was great! Sex was better! LOL! Heard it snowed here in Jersey! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL!”

The ones who feed each other dinner across the table while out at a restaurant and then “accidently” smear some gravy on their partner’s nose and then laugh about it for 35 minutes afterwards.

The ones who have not only done and seen everything you have, but have done and seen it more times and in better ways with nicer weather and better clothes on (while having sex for the third time that day).

The ones who love each other so hard and so much that if they hold hands and get a five step running start, can actually leave the earth in flight for much of the day. They will come back to earth in time to have sex (don’t worry your pretty little head about that *wink*).

The last time someone started talking about marriage and relationships and divorce, the inevitable global statistic reared its ugly head, as usual. Before the person could go off on a rant about the hopelessness of marriage and the utter void that envelops you as soon as you walk away from the altar, I immediately screamed in their face:

“50 percent of marriages end in Jelly Beans! JELLY BEANS! So you would be stupid not to get married to someone. STUPID! JELLY BEANS!”

I don’t get invited to parties.

3 reaction(s)::

aladdinsane12 said...

there is nothing that makes me want to vomit more than people putting "today tommy bought me a bouquet of 50 roses and wrote me the cutest note! i love him so much!" as their facebook status. nobody cares. you're making me nauseous.

Missed Periods said...

I like the rainbow/Lady and the Tramp analogy. Very beautiful.

Amber said...

I hope you don't mind, but when I get married my "self-written" vows will basically just be this post.

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