Clubbed Thumbs

My sister-in-law has an unhealthy obsession with “Clubbed Thumbs”. From Wikipedia: “A clubbed thumb is a term used to describe the genetic clubbing of one or both thumbs. It is characterized by a particularly short thumb that is round in section and bulbous at the end. The thumb nail is very wide and short. The scientific term for clubbed thumb is Brachydactyly type D or BDD". This is a medical condition which gives the person in question unusually large thumbs, almost like big toes on their hands; like when Tom gets his thumb slammed by a giant mallet wielded by Jerry. My sister-in-law is fascinated by this condition, and secretly stares at people's thumbs searching for this rare occurrence in public.

I gave this a lot of thought, probably too much, and I decided that it would actually be a good thing to have clubbed thumbs. Here are some reasons why:

1. People with clubbed thumbs are gold medalists in hitchhiking. They could hitchhike all the way to Mars and back if they wanted to.
2. Guaranteed win in any thumb wrestling tournament. It would be like King Kong Bundy wrestling Emmanuel “Webster” Lewis.
3. Clubbed Thumbers can kick a soccer ball with their hands.
4. If you are ever in a car accident, and the emergency response teams are late with the Jaws of Life, a clubbed thumb-haver can save your life with their built in “Thumbs of Life”. You will be out of any mangled wreck of a car in 5 minutes or under. Every time, guaranteed.
5. Built in movie screen. Just hold your thumb up and project a movie onto your thumbnail.
6. Imagine if Roger Ebert had clubbed thumbs? A “two thumbs up” from him would translate into a 500 billion dollar gross at the box office, just from movie-goers being overwhelmed into attending.
7. No more hidden crib sheets for important tests. Write every math problem ever on the ball of your thumb, and leave the magnifying glass home…
8. Tennis racket optional at the country club.
9. Built in fly swatter. Or in this case, “fly atomic bomb”.
10. Portable puppets.

The list goes on and on. Don’t be so fast to condemn clubbed thumb folks. They have many advantages (listed above, and that is just the tip of the thumb-berg). I think they are endearing, sweet little appendages. Give some love to a clubbed thumber today for the holidays. They may just save your life one day.