Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Rainbow Association

Blue came moping into the meeting an hour late and carrying nothing but a book of Walt Whitman’s poetry. He sat at the table and put his head in his hands waiting for the inevitable rebuke. Red immediately stood and screamed in his direction, “BLUE! You are an hour late! This is an important meeting! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?” Blue kept his head in his hands, squeezing his eyes shut against Red’s tirade. He finally raised his eyes to meet Red’s and whispered an apologetic “Sorry.” Yellow leapt under the table the instant Red began screaming, while Green leaned towards Blue to see what book he had brought with him. Pink’s chair was the only empty chair, but no one was surprised. Pink liked to make a “Grand Entrance”. Violet was fuming in the corner, refusing to sit at the table. Orange was embarrassed. Indigo stood silently against the wall and blended in with the background; unnoticed by the other members. Brown was sitting in his chair at the table, with peanut shells all around him and used fast food wrappers on the floor by his feet. He was dozing and snoring quite loudly with his head thrown back and his mouth wide open. White and Black were arguing as usual about some obscure topic, neither one willing to listen to the other’s side. Plaid suddenly burst into the meeting room from the kitchen playing the bagpipes very loudly while everyone else covered their ears. Paisley rolled out from under the table looking extremely tired; he was obviously stoned again. Red fumed for a few more seconds, and then loudly banged his gavel on the table. The room gradually got silent.

“I now call this meeting of the Rainbow Association to order!” Red authoritatively stated amongst snickers from Paisley and Brown, who had been awoken by the sudden noise of the gavel.

“Some rainbow,” Violet muttered as he dragged himself up to his spot at the table.

“What was that Violet? Do you have a matter for the Association to discuss?” Red authoritatively asked as Violet muttered under his breath and grew silent.

Red took roll call noting Pink and Indigo’s absence. After roll call was finished, Indigo revealed himself suddenly, frightening the other members. He slowly walked over and nonchalantly sat down at the table. Just then, Paisley leapt to his feet and shouted “Dat’s a spicy-a MEAT-A BALL!” Brown collapsed in hysterics as Black and White immediately took opposite stances about the pertinence of the existence of a Rainbow Association. Blue wept openly, utterly depressed about the chaos that the meeting had already dissolved into. Violet violently whipped a pencil at Blue’s head. Green stole Blue’s Walt Whitman book. Plaid put his bagpipes down and started river-dancing around the table quite vigorously. Yellow whimpered under the table. Indigo disappeared into thin air. Red banged his gavel over and over again gradually getting the meeting back in order.

“First order of business: Mandatory Drug Testing.” Red slowly stated each word while staring pointedly at Paisley. Paisley’s half-closed eyes widened at this. “Dude,” he whispered.

“I WILL NOT SUBMIT!” Violet furiously declared to everyone and no one at all as he slammed his clenched fists on the table. At this, Plaid stopped river-dancing and sat at his spot in the table, stroking his beard and wondering when the meeting would be over. Indigo suddenly reappeared right next to Blue, causing Blue to begin writing an extremely depressing poem about the transient nature of light and color. Orange turned to Violet and said “Calm down Purple Puss!” At this, Violet punched Orange in the face and all hell broke loose. Black and White immediately started debating abortion issues, with each taking completely opposing sides as usual. Blue screamed in anguish and tried to kill himself with the edge of his chair (he didn’t succeed). Green hid the book he stole from Blue and then looked at Plaid’s bagpipes wondering if he could fit them under his shirt undetected. Yellow was still under the table, presumably passed out from the sheer stress of the meeting. Orange and Violet wrestled on the floor while Paisley and Brown laughed hysterically. Paisley shouted “Look man, Halloween!” as he pointed at Orange and Violet, causing more fits of wild laughter from Brown, followed by a loud fart. Indigo covered himself with a dark cloak and melted into the floor.

Red watched the meeting dissolve yet again and wondered why he put himself through this. He smashed his gavel on the table so hard it broke in two, yelling “STOP! STOP THIS INSTANT! MR. BIV IS HERE!”

With that declaration, all activity in the room stopped instantaneously. Violet stood up, letting go of Orange’s hair. “He’s here? Right now?” he asked timidly. Yellow poked his head out from under the table, fearfully looking at Red. Blue gathered himself together while Green put Plaid’s bagpipes back against the wall and quickly took his seat. Indigo materialized out of thin air and sat down attentively.

Red, satisfied that he finally got the association’s attention smiled grimly and said, “Yes. That was my surprise for you all. Mr. Biv has graced us with his presence today, and he has an extremely important announcement.” The association members all slowly took their seats and waited attentively. You could cut the silence with a knife. The tension in the air intensified with each second.

At that moment, a door opened and in walked Mr. Roy Ganapolous Biv. The man himself was here. No one could breathe as he slowly walked across the room and took a spot at the head of the table standing next to Red. He was a breathtaking figure, decked out in a suit that changed colors every second depending on the angle of the light. He was smoking a huge cigar and staring at each association member in turn, making eye contact for an uncomfortable amount of time. He was clearly unhappy.

“Where,” he began, “is Pink?” Red shifted uncomfortably and answered, “Um, uh, Pink is absent, Sir.” No one at the table had ever heard Red speak in such hushed tones, much less call anyone ‘Sir’. Not in their lifetimes.

“I see,” said Mr. Biv, putting his cigar out and rubbing his temples for a few seconds. No one at the table had exhaled a breath since he walked in.

“Does anyone know why I am here today? Anyone? Blue, do you know why I am here?” Mr. Biv directed his question to Blue who nearly shrunk out of existence from the sheer weight of his stare.

“No, sir, Mr. Biv, sir,” Blue squeaked in response to the question posed to him.

“What about you, Yellow? Do you have a guess as to why I came to this meeting today?” Yellow immediately fainted.

“Violet, Paisley, help Yellow, will you?” Mr. Biv asked for things quietly, and those things immediately happened. Violet and Paisley immediately ran over to try to revive Yellow.

“I am here,” Mr. Biv began, “to tell you all that I am making you all a part of the new rainbow!” There was an even deeper silence (if that was possible) followed by shocked whispers and unbelieving faces. Red was beaming as Green tentatively raised his hand. “There is going to be a new rainbow, sir?”

“Yes, Green,” Mr. Biv answered good-naturedly. “This new rainbow will not consist just of the standard colors. You will all be a part. Paisley, White, Brown, Plaid, Black…even Pink. I want this to represent a display of my good nature. All are welcome in the rainbow!”

“But, sir?” Brown raised his hand tentatively and Mr. Biv nodded towards him, still smiling. “What about ‘The Anagram’? The Anagram has existed since the beginning of time! What will the school children do?”

“Sh-sh-sh,” Mr. Biv waved away Brown’s question. “There will be time for Anagrams later. We’ll figure something out. I want to make a fresh start. Despite all of your questionable behavior, I want to show that everyone can have a second chance; a new lease on life, as it were. Don’t disappoint me.”

And with that, Mr. Biv turned and left the room, leaving the Rainbow Association members to excitedly celebrate and talk about this most unexpected turn of events. The associate colors were suddenly promoted! There were no more ranks, everyone was equal! Not everyone was excited, as Violet was noticeably disturbed by this news. He could be overheard grumbling something about Pink and “lack of attendance,” but for the most part, there was much rejoicing and celebrating as the news spread that the rainbow was expanding to include everyone.

A few days later, during a misty rain high on a mountaintop in Hawaii, two hikers looked into the sky and noticed a giant rainbow arching through the mist from a cloud to the ground. The rainbow had the standard Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo and Violet, but something was different. The hikers squinted at the rainbow; noticing new colors.

“Is that Plaid?” one hiker said to the other.

“Sure is. I think I see Paisley!” the other hiker replied.

“Pink?!?” they both said simultaneously.

The hikers looked at each other and shook their heads in disgust. “Friggin’ Obama,” they said, and continued their hike.

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