State of the Onion

*A man paces back and forth in the kitchen, obviously agitated and excited. His family sits expectantly at the kitchen table.*

My fellow family, I’m going to level with you: the situation is bleak. There are layers left, but not many. I do know this, our sandwiches will survive! *The speaker’s wife and kids spring to their feet at the kitchen table, wildly cheering and applauding. The man’s cat and dog stand on their hind paws and kind of claw at the air in an attempt to applaud.*

*Man waits for applause to die down, and his family gradually sits back down at the kitchen table. His cat and dog fall awkwardly back down onto all fours.* We will work together to make sure the Onion is distributed evenly and fairly. There will be justice in this kitchen, because this kitchen is the greatest kitchen in the world! *family rises back up out of their seats applauding and whistling. The man’s cat and dog jump back up to stand on their hind paws and awkwardly paw at the air again in a facsimile of applause*

I know times are tough, and this kitchen is going through one of the darkest periods we have seen in our lifetime. The pantry is bare and the refrigerator is empty. This Onion, with all of its layers, will be the thing that brings us back; that makes all other kitchens rise up and take notice. Mark my words; we shall have a tasty onion-enhanced tomato sauce with dinner by the end of this very WEEK! *family shoots up to their feet, clapping and screaming in appreciation. After the applause dies down and the family sits back down, the man begins again* and by the end of this month, we shall all be crying tears as we chop as many as 6 onions all at once! *family members leap back to their feet, screaming and foaming at the mouth as they frantically applaud.* Onion, onion, who got the ONION!?! *continued chaos as the man’s family is whipped into a frenzy of adulation* I said WHO’S HOUSE? ONION’S HOUSE! *the family is convulsing with applause and hysterical weeping and cheering* When I say ONION you say RINGS, ONION *pause waiting for a response of ‘Rings’ from his admiring family, which doesn’t come due to the screaming and applauding* ONION *pauses with his hand held up to his ear, then shrugging and continuing* My Onion brings all the BOYS TO THE YARD! *wife blows out her vocal chords from screaming and the entire family passes out from over excitement*

We, as a family, can thank our forefathers for the blessings they have given us. This Onion *man holds up an Onion which has been partially peeled of its layers* represents Hope. This Onion represents Life! This ONION REPRESENTS EXISTENCE! THIS ONION REPRESENTS OUR ENTIRE WORLD! *silence in the kitchen as the man’s family remains passed out on the floor. The man’s dog spins in place chasing its own tail. The man’s cat is nowhere to be seen.* I implore you, pass the Onion bill and let future Onions be protected from gross negligence. Let our future families be surrounded by Onions for the rest of their days! *man pauses for applause that does not come. The man’s dog briefly attempts to stand on its hind paws and farts during the attempt. The man’s cat appears behind him and sits facing away from him* Um, *man looks down at his notes* Onions are known for making people cry, but we shall never cry again! *silence* I, uh, I will grant each of you 100 Onions per year for life! *silence* French Onion soup? *silence*

My fellow family, thank you for your time. May God Bless this kitchen, and may God Bless the Onions of our family! *silence in the kitchen as the man’s family groggily regain their senses and stand up to greet him as he slowly exits the kitchen. The man’s dog immediately latches onto his leg as he passes, humping his calf as rapidly as possible. The man’s cat swishes by with its tail in the air, appearing to not give a crap.*

As he and his family slowly file out of the kitchen, the man glances down at his notes, pausing to read the title carefully. “Is that a ‘U’ or an ‘O’?” he says as he squints at his crumpled note cards holding his left hand over his left eye. “Wow, I was way off on this speech. That puts a whole new spin on things.” He pauses to erase the ‘O’ in the title, replacing the ‘O’ with a ‘U’. At this, his dog trots by with an Onion in his mouth, pausing to lift his leg and urinate on the wall of the kitchen. “I’ve got to stop writing these speeches at night in the dark with a pencil. I’ll type them out from now on.” He goes upstairs to type out his speech, making the crucial adjustment to the title.

The next day, the man arrives at work with his newly re-written speech in hand. He steps up to the podium and begins: “Ladies and gentlemen, please take care of your feet! *pausing for applause, the man is greeted by stunned silence* Uh, Bunions are very dangerous and cause a lot of pain across this great nation of ours! *more silence broken by a nervous cough* Um. *the man squints again at his note cards, holding one hand over his left eye* Damn! Should have fixed that stuck ‘B’ on the keyboard when I had the chance, he thought to himself.

The man was fired on the spot and forcibly removed from the building. He never wrote another speech again. The news was not all bad: His family had an overwhelming respect for Onions the rest of their natural born lives, when otherwise they wouldn’t have given a tin shit about Onions.