Letters from the Mailbox written with Love

Yes, ladies and gentle...ladies (and Dan). It is time for more letters from around the globe from my adoring readers. My mailman finally allowed me to take a picture of his smiling face today (see left).

He looks happy because he isn't wearing any pants. *cue dramatic detective music*

Needless to say, I was taken aback by what he pulled out of his mail sack today. Have you ever been taken aback? It sucks. I have been taken asideways and taken aforward more times than I care to remember. I was taken adiagonally once. That was a little ticklish. Being taken aback is truly mind-altering. Anyway, on to the letters...

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Dear Man,

Help me with my problems today, I begging of you. I can not open this jar of jelly, no matter which way I turn my hand. I tried smashing it against my face, but now my face is so sore and sad. I am so sad to not have jelly. So sad. The jelly mocks me with every twist of my wrist. I want to bite it.

Signed,
Hungry in Hungary

Dear Hungry,

Get a grip on yourself (instead of that jar LOL). Jelly is overrated and quite frankly disgusting. I have written 12 books on this subject (“Jelly is Smelly and screws up your Belly”, “Grape Helly”, “Peanut Butter and Nothing”, “Fuck Jelly and other Nursery Rhymes” and others), all of which you can find in your local library. Do your research and give your hand (and face) a rest. Jelly Kills.

Dear Miss,

I slid down the stairs in my home and now find myself concussed and without pants. Besides the dizziness, I am dreadfully chilly. Plus, my nose is running. I have been crying all morning and my cat won’t come and cuddle with me. Do you have a sure-fire home remedy for this predicament?

Signed,
Ailing in Acapulco

Well, my dear old Gamma-Gamma Maw-Maw used to cook up this cure for the symptoms you describe above. I hope this helps:

1. Boil a large pot of cat urine.
2. Stick your concussed head in it. All the way in it. That’s right.
3. Put your pants back on.
4. Act like a man.
5. Stop crying!
6. Smack yourself thirteen times.
7. Shut up.
8. Sit down.
9. Get up!
10. I said SIT DOWN!
11. GET ON YOUR FEET!
12. We can do this all day!

Gamma-Gamma Maw-Maw was a tough S.O.B.

Dear Stupid,

You once wrote “to each heart is delivered a flower from which the pollen will cause blooms of love never-ending in the bloodstream of man.” I answered a question on my medical school final exam with this statement, which I took to be fact. I was expelled, disgraced and raped by my fellow students. I want you to refund my entire medical school tuition immediately. You will be hearing from my various lawyers and therapists.

Signed,
Non-Doctor in Nantucket

Dear Non-Doc,

First off, I definitely never wrote what you said I did. I think it daily, but I never wrote it. Get out of my head. What I did write, was this, which is similar: “to each fart is delivered a nose from which the snot will cause blooms of vomit never-ending in the toilets of man.” It is easy to see why you got confused. Sorry about the final exam. When in doubt, the answer is 42.

Dear Friend,

I was wondering if you could resolve a dispute I’m having with my friend. He says that the Rolling Stones are all vampires, and I say that they are all zombies. What say you?

Signed,
Curious in Caracas

Dear Curious,

I thought by now it is common knowledge that the Rolling Stones are vampire zombies. Note the herky jerky way Mick Jagger walks across the stage and hisses at the fans in the front row. Observe how Charlie Watts robotically moves his arms while drumming and periodically hides his face behind a cape, showing only his eyes. Notice how Keith Richards eats skin off of his already-dead hands and feet between each song and takes long swigs from a bottle labeled "Go-Go Juice" that looks suspiciously like the blood of 10,000 virgins. The Stones are ravenous vampire zombies. And also werewolves. And Incredible Hulks. I would call this bet a tie.

Dear M.O.M,

I was in line at the supermarket today, and I saw this headline on a popular tabloid magazine: “Millions of Atoms Man goes to the movies with his enormous stomach hanging over his cowboy belt and butter stains on his shirt. He’s just like us!” Care to comment?

Signed,
Gossipy in Gainesboro

Dear Gossipy,

Guilty as charged. What can I say, I love movies and processed butter-flavored liquid on my popcorn. Those tabloids need to stay out of my life. I know I am a big blogging star, but can a brother get some privacy? I would like to see this headline one day: “Lindsay Lohan trips on the sidewalk outside her house and cocaine falls out of her socks. She’s nothing like us at all!”

Dear Mister Millions,

I fly first class any time I have to travel. Recently, I was banned for life from Delta Airlines for something I did on my last flight from Atlanta to Toronto. Everyone in first class was asleep, so I decided to drop my pants and gently (ever so gently) place my buttocks on top of the person’s head who was sleeping next to me. I took a picture with my cell phone and titled it “Butt Hatt”. 45 minutes later, the flight was grounded and I was in handcuffs being lead off the plane. I told the authorities that you told me to do this. I wanted to give you a heads up in case you are contacted by the FAA.

Signed,
Photographer in Fairview

Dear Photog,

You owe me 100,000 dollars American for unauthorized use of “Butt Hat” (my first band’s name – we were big in Germany. Trademark. Look it up.). Beyond that, I never told you to take any pictures of your bare ass cheeks perched on a snoozing air traveler’s noggin. I told you specifically to put your nuts in their Vodka Tonic and call it a “Balltini”.

On second thought, I don’t know you. Never heard of you. Or Airplanes.