Kids say the darndest Russian things

I haven’t written about my kids in a while, so let’s remedy that. I have three year old twins. One boy, one girl. Or two gender non-specific demons, whichever way you want to count. My daughter has lately taken to saying things like “I don’t like your voice!” and then frowning at me very dramatically; usually when I’m asking her to do something she doesn’t want to do. The odd part about this is the fact that she pronounces “voice” like “woice”, similar to how Russian spies said things in the 50’s.

“Tell me where the nuclear wessel is, or I will be wery wery angry!”

What if she is part Russian? What if she is a spy? That would make a lot of things make sense. Like all the times I see her peeking around corners and then run away quickly when she notices that I see her. Or that one time that I found her fast asleep on a set of blueprints that were quite clearly the main chamber of the United Nations. Or the other time that I caught her holding a cell phone and whispering into it. I asked her who she was talking to, and she said “Grandma”. Now, I’m not so sure.

My son, on the other hand, laughs all the time very loud and exaggeratedly. He doesn’t speak with a Russian accent, but he does dance a lot. I mean, all the time. I catch him spinning down hallways all the time with his hands in the air. One time I told him dinner was ready, and he threw a piece of cardboard on the floor and spun on his head. He ended in an elaborate pose and said “Dinner’s wiggity-wack, Dad. So are you.” Then he did the worm all the way down the hallway.

My kids are little darlings: A Russian spy and a Break dancing insane asylum escapee.

One with a lot of hair, one not so much.

One likes to kick, one likes to punch (the target is my balls in both cases).

One likes to draw, one likes to build things with blocks, one likes to drink beer (all three are me).

One likes to sing, one likes to read, both like to scream “I DON’T LIKE YOUR VOICE!” in public.

I’m going to produce a movie about them. The working title is “Target: Balls -- Electric Boogaloo” Here is the synopsis:

“A Russian spy and a Break Dancing screamer on a fun filled romp across Europe. Featuring the music of Rogers and Hammerstein, with fight choreography by Jean Claude Van Damme”

Are you telling me you aren’t already digging around for money to go see this movie? Exactly.