Nursery Rhymes

I feel that I’ve had enough experience reading nursery rhymes lately that I can write my own book for the kids of today. Here are some of the nursery rhymes I have come up with so far for today’s modern little lady and gentleman:

Here comes Charlie
Walkin’ down the street!
Smack-a-doodle, Smack-a-doodle
Charlie just sheet!

Mary, Mary what a scary
Way you blink your eyes and stare-y
At my bulging belly here
Don’t you know it’s full of beer?

Isn’t this a lovely tree?
Full of rabbits looking at me!
One is blue, the others pink,
The blue one smiles and drops a wink!
He knows the truth behind the lies,
The pink rabbits are gay.

Tippity Tappity Over the Bridge
Rippity Rappity here come the kids!
Bippity Bappity running along
Sippity Sappity singing a song!
Lippity Lappity what a big dog!
Mippity Mappity dragging a log!
Flippity Flappity what do I see?
Whippity Whappity the log is made of dog crap.

Pencil Peacock Peaches Pie
Don’t make Santa start to cry!
If you do, he’ll make a list
And mark your name with a deadly fist!
Then he’ll open both his eyes,
And turn his tears into fireflies!
Each one jetting for the coast
To the house of the boy they hate the most!
Once they find you then you’ll see
Just how vengeful Santa can be!
*this nursery rhyme should be accompanied by the sounds of thunder and lightning and deep ominous laughter…for the kiddies’ enhanced enjoyment!*

Turn your eyes toward yonder bear!
What a hat he tries to wear!
He bought it at the corner store,
And now he wants one hundred more!
Maybe I will help him out
With 50 cents I just took out
Oops, the bear just bit my hand
Then tipped his hat and ate my intestines...man.

Blueberries three
Baked in a muffin
Strawberries two
Ate them, now there’s nothin’
Blackberry one
Can’t remember where I stuck it
Raspberries Zero
Those are my favorite! Awww...something something! (NOTE: Finish this later)

Wizzle wuzzle wazzle woo
Twenty five birds just crapped on my shoe
One left a feather perched upon my head
Twenty five birds will soon be dead.

Johnny Joe just tried to fly
With wings of paper very wide
He landed on a cotton ball
And broke his ass

Mister Murphy water and wine
Kissed a mule and made him cry
Now he rides alone at night
With court ordered therapy and pumpkin pie?

Sally ran down to catch a ride.
Sally fell down, Oh My!
She opened her eyes and noticed a duck.
Duck off.

Cheeky chucky chooky do
Choky chacky...

Ah, forget it.